For oh but one

     Well here I am sitting in my room thinking of all the tasks that seem to be overwhelming me. The frustration with talking, the embarrassing moments of stumbling and looking like I am drunk but really it is my stroke. I know that if I think for but a few moments I could really revel in my weaknesses, even cringe at the thought of what others might think but really is that what life is about or should be about?! Worrying about what others think is a full time job and I didn't apply for it so I am going to put it to the way side and pick up my dreams, my hopes and aspirations and look ahead. I want my life to be a shining star, a bright moment of hope! We can accomplish so much in the days that we live but what matters most is the dignity and honour that we carry in our struggles, the grace in our stride is profound if we choose it.
     I remember as a child sitting in a field of beautiful colours and the grass was swaying to and fro, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the butterflies passing me by as the gentle breeze kissed my face gently. The sunlight embraced me with warmth and wonder and I felt the hand of Gods amazing beauty, all of creation dancing in a silhouette of laughter. I wasn't worried, fearful or concerned, I just embraced the moment with praise. As a child I looked at what was and not so much at what was not, I was just immersed in learning, loving, laughing and being alive. This is where I am now, making the conscious decision to simply just love and be something more then a worry or a frown. Life is short and I am even shorter ;)

     When I look back I remember the painful moments in life but more so the beauty and grace that touches my heart and that is worth fighting for.

Words Of Change

     As of lately, I have been running my feet off and when I say "feet off" I mean it! I say that with a slight chuckle but all in all it is true. I never thought in my wildest dreams that this 70x7 tour would take off so well and yet it has. Somewhere deep inside my heart I felt there was a reason why all of this happened and that God knows His business. I just decided that either I was looking at one big pile of impossibilities or I would take every minute at a time, maybe even seconds and see opportunities. Yes, sometimes it really got that bad but I'm not a quitter and I never will be! Now I could sugar coat my journey but for the most part it was hell on earth, no two ways about it, period.

     In life we can either triumph over our circumstances or we can believe that everything should be handed to us on a silver platter and well, that just isn't me. I chose to run for hope, not away from it! You can simply choose one or the other but from that point onward, one will strengthen you and the other will lead you astray. slowly compromising all your hopes, dreams and aspirations. Take this moment to embrace victory and challenge every little opposition that dares to tell you that you can't do it! Every little doubt that wants you to fail, slowly pay less attention to it and the voice will only get quieter. Start today, you are worth it! Whatever requires strength, demands excellence in repetition. 

I hope these words give you comfort and dare to challenge you, to make you believe that you have a greater purpose than failure! I know Gods grace will carry you onward..

Why I must

     The last few days have been very reflective for me. I can't really put into words the full spectrum of it all but I will try my best. For me it is as though I am falling out of a nightmare and landing into the most beautiful dream ever. When my stroke happened it was like hitting a huge massive wall, I mean I had faced poverty, bullying and so much more but the stroke literally took the wind out of my sails, in fact I think it took them altogether. Here I was stranded in the middle of the ocean without any way of getting back. I had to literally reinvent myself, find out who God wanted me to be and what I wanted to believe in the most. When desperate times require desperate measures I guess I took that to the extreme. I made my own wind sails and dug deep into the heart of perseverance. You know, now that I think about my journey I see that I have become much stronger, you either fall to the way side or you simply refuse to quit! I had no idea that I had that much strength in me and for the times I didn't have any, God gave me just the right amount. A perfect balance of hope, faith and love. Those really are the perfect ingredients for inspiration! For being able to move mountains of impossibility.
     So here I am just finishing city #3 and I am blown away by the dreams I am starting to see come about. I actually woke up this morning and was singing in the shower. I had to catch myself and just think about the fact that I hadn't sang in such a long time. I was too busy trying to swim to shore that I forgot that I wasn't doing the most peaceful and most enjoyable simple things. Well I have my tune, my melody and no one is going to take it away. The nice thing about music is that it is worth sharing and when it comes from the soul it simply is beautiful.
   
     Time to kiss the dreams of angels and laugh among the clouds of courage and of change! By Evk

You are mine

My friend is a model and she had this photo of herself on her page. Well it had me thinking right away and so I wrote this for her....

When She Cries

     Life as a parent can be for the most part rewarding, I mean really exciting but every now and then it is a storm of crazy moments crunched together with chaotic meltdowns. How can something so beautiful become so messy and ugly so quickly?! I was working in the kitchen making the most amazing meals for the kids when suddenly SCREAMING came from the next room over. I put my spatula down and ran to the other room, my heart was pumping and my thoughts were racing. I thought for a brief second that one of my children had injured themselves but instead it was a sibling rivalry. I must warn you everything from this point onward is heart wrenching, maybe the warning is more for myself than for you as the reader. My son was crying frantically and shouted out loud "Desiree you were choking me on purpose, I am not a toy!" and as soon as that statement left his mouth my daughter came running over to me and responded with "well, I didn't mean to do it, he always freaks out!" then from that point onward it was a crying and yelling match between the both of them. For many parents this is the ideal moment when you wish you were at some beautiful resort in a far off land sipping an amazing drink and just laughing. Well that isn't reality and even if that were possible, to fly away to some exotic dream vacation; well it doesn't change the fact that parenting never ends and loving your children is a bitter sweet reward. Some things you need to face in order to make a difference, whether you like it or not.
     With all that being said I have to tell you something about myself, since my stroke happened I have a brutal time dealing with stress. In fact it is down right nasty! Words suddenly begin to melt away and thoughts fall to pieces quickly. It isn't a simple solution like "hey, think happy thoughts" or something wonderful and fluffy like that. My brain just simply starts to break down almost like all the connections start to crackle and messages get mixed up!
      My son and daughter have seen the fallout of my stroke symptoms all too often and sadly they are affected by the illness all the same. I quickly went into the other room and shut the door as they cried. I sat on the couch and covered my ears and cried. My mind was fighting the stroke, the symptoms, the stress, everything! As I tried to gather all the pieces of my scattered thoughts I could hear my daughter crying these very words "daddy daddy, I am so sorry, it is all my fault, I am just no good". With all the strength that I could muster I stood up and opened the door. I could see the tears streaming down my children's faces. My daughters eyes were clouded and red as I approached her. I knelt on the floor and looked her right in the eyes and said " Sweetheart don't ever say you are no good or that you are a bad girl or useless!" I then went on to say " Daddy has an owie in his brain and it doesn't have anything to do with you, I love you and your brother just the same, its just the stroke has left me broken". As tears began to fall from my cheek I looked at both of them and smiled the best that I could and said " You are both my sweetest gift, don't ever forget that you are precious beyond words, my stroke cannot take that away" I stood up and asked them to politely hug each other and sit with me silently and watch a show together.
     Sometimes storms happen, they just do what they do. I cannot change what has happened to me or wish away all the pain that my family has felt because of my stroke but what I can do is show them how to live with courage, grace under fire! Love is by far one of the most amazing gifts that anyone could ever have, it remains a mystery to hold and definitely a challenge to give away!

" May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Psalm 33:22

The Bird Who Knew Too Little

     Early in the afternoon the sunshine peeked out through the beautiful clouds, whispering of warmth and dancing across my face with such delight. It almost felt as though the sun had been waiting in utter excitement, wanting to greet me with a kiss! As I spoke with friends at a school playground my son was ever so precious, he admired every little thing; touching and exploring all that the world had gently laid between the rocks and pebbles. The ants that crawled mysteriously between pieces of wood and worms that embraced the wet leaves from the morning dew. If there was something hidden my son was there to discover! The fresh mind of a child is always prodding the unknown, questioning the things left to the heart of imagination. With an innocent smile he looks at me and tilts his head ever so slightly and then turns around and runs with a burst of laughter.

     I enjoy every moment, well almost every moment of his curiosity. As I turned away to look at something else other than my child's endless energy I hear a call for help. Now it wasn't an urgent cry it was just a teacher asking for some assistance. My friends and I stood up and quickly arrived at the classroom door. The teacher quickly said "We have a problem, there is a bird flying around and smashing into the windows!" I quickly grabbed a towel and covered the bird. It was only after its last attempted at freedom that I was able to capture the poor thing. As I gently felt the towel I knew exactly where the bird was, it seemed almost too tired to give any sort of struggle. With a huge smile on my face I felt like the greatest dad in the whole wide world! The kids were beaming from ear to ear and as I walked outside I opened the towel. What a weird feeling, watching the bird suddenly gain composer and then just jump up and fly away. The kids were making noises of astonishment as they saw the bird begin to soar!

     The birds desperate attempts at finding freedom caused more harm than good. Sometimes we think we know what is the best solution for our problems and maybe we fly aimlessly into things that are beyond our understanding. We harm ourselves and cause grief for those who watch us from a distance, maybe it is time to let someone who knows how to save your life make a difference. Maybe it is time to let God bring you to freedoms door... You are precious and dearly loved, an amazing gift for the world to see, you were meant to fly!!

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,

 that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life. 

Am I a bush or a tree?

     Hope doesn't come in a little magic bottle, it showers the faint in heart through grace, through the God of unmatched beauty and mercy. With unimaginable love He caresses the soul of fear, He victoriously claims us as His only wonder above all wonders. Without contempt He pours out His unwavering kindness towards us and challenges us to press forward when all else lays in silence.

     Maybe today you feel weak or faint of heart and you are in need of strength. Maybe your tears are looking for a place to rest, a moments grace. Well I hope today is your day, your time to shine. Life can hand us barriers, mountains of challenge and sometimes we think that maybe just maybe we cannot triumph our personal struggles. When I face my daily struggles with stroke symptoms it can truly be overwhelming, the fact that one day I can speak, smile, laugh and walk; then suddenly I am on the floor begging for one ounce of strength just to stand. That moment is covered in the absolute effort within my soul to just keep my head above the endless tide of helpless dreams, nightmares. I am not a victim of my circumstances, I am a victor! I may look like a weight of a thousand sorrows, pressed against the depths of my joy but I will not surrender. I will stand my ground and rise above! I don't say all these things to just be positive, or to try to convince myself of something that may or may not happen. I truly believe God is my strength, my hope in present trials.

     I could reach for words of eloquence and paint a picture of a man of great strength, bravery and much more but really, I am someone who bleeds with fear in my moments of weakness. Therefor I am someone who needs hope, needs inspiration! I will overcome this tide, this battle. What is even more paramount is my understanding that trials eventually get tired, the sunshine will rise and I will see the dawn of grace. I will be on my hands and knees crying out in sweet victory!

I will triumph....

I will run the race of hope...

I will climb this mountain..

I will.

Coast is clear

     I want to tell a personal story, one that has a lot of pain which I am sure you all have experienced in some degree. I know that life has its twists and turns, sometimes friendships go from sweet to sour and the roads that we travel can go from smooth and level to rocky and painful. The cold feeling of possible loneliness can challenge the best of hearts, leaving us with the all to often question of "Why?"

     That question can sometimes plague the strongest of hearts, even suck the very joy out of life. We feel that for some reason that everything must be perfect at all times or at the very least the suffering that we endure must be for someone else not for us. When I was growing up my mother taught me a profound lesson, one that I wish to share with you. I had the most jovial uncle around, he loved to laugh and play. Every time he came to my house he would catch me as I leaped off of the stairs. With open arms he would snatch me up and chuckle, then with the most loving kindness he would hug me and tell me that I was special to Him. One day he showed up at my house weeks later and I ran half way down the stairs, the excitement was amazing. I leaped into the air and he barely could hold me, with tears in his face he kissed my cheek and gently let me down. I looked deep into his eyes and I could see that his heart was breaking. My mother leaned over and whispered in my ear and said "Your uncle is sick and he can no longer catch you" that was the very moment as a child that I discovered suffering. Within two years my uncle deteriorated to almost nothing, the Parkinson's disease took away his strength and inevitably took away his life.
 
     Now you are probably wondering what good could possibly come out of that, well I will tell you. After I realized he couldn't catch me my mother said "you can love him, just love him differently". Such simple words but they had so many tears attached to it. The wisdom that my mother gave me was filled with peace and with kindness, she wanted my uncle to feel my love and most undoubtedly know unconditional kindness. I made sure that every time he arrived that I was waiting, gently anticipating a smile from him. I would walk over to his side and hug his leg and tell him that everything was going to be alright. I helped him up the stairs and sat beside him. As the night progressed I would hear him laugh occasionally. I was amazed at the heart behind the subtle laughter, the tears streamed from his face as he continued to make jokes off and on through the night. He was a real hero, he was my hero! Though he passed away quickly, he left an indelible mark of poise and joy. God was the centre of his pain, his frustrations and undoubtedly his faith. There simply was no perfect answer to why he suffered but there was a perfect lesson to be learned. Never ever give up!!

     I am going to keep running  until I make a difference, because I believe in never ever giving up. I believe in being the hope and living the change. Do you?!

Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

My Love,My Tears