Words Of Change

     As of lately, I have been running my feet off and when I say "feet off" I mean it! I say that with a slight chuckle but all in all it is true. I never thought in my wildest dreams that this 70x7 tour would take off so well and yet it has. Somewhere deep inside my heart I felt there was a reason why all of this happened and that God knows His business. I just decided that either I was looking at one big pile of impossibilities or I would take every minute at a time, maybe even seconds and see opportunities. Yes, sometimes it really got that bad but I'm not a quitter and I never will be! Now I could sugar coat my journey but for the most part it was hell on earth, no two ways about it, period.

     In life we can either triumph over our circumstances or we can believe that everything should be handed to us on a silver platter and well, that just isn't me. I chose to run for hope, not away from it! You can simply choose one or the other but from that point onward, one will strengthen you and the other will lead you astray. slowly compromising all your hopes, dreams and aspirations. Take this moment to embrace victory and challenge every little opposition that dares to tell you that you can't do it! Every little doubt that wants you to fail, slowly pay less attention to it and the voice will only get quieter. Start today, you are worth it! Whatever requires strength, demands excellence in repetition. 

I hope these words give you comfort and dare to challenge you, to make you believe that you have a greater purpose than failure! I know Gods grace will carry you onward..

Until it's Gone

     I don't know really why but as I was washing the dishes this afternoon I became reflective in a small sort of way, you know how it is when you do something mundane and your mind travels to another location or possibly to another memory from days gone by. As you work through a field of memories digging out the rocks and planting new dreams and new hopes you come to this amazing discovery. When life hands you a major storm and all your crops and all your flowers are ruined you realize that you don't know how good things are until they are gone. The field that you once grumbled over and the garden that had its continuous weeds that gave you unending angst are simply a pain of the past. Now you wish for the flowers, the crops that yielded you some joy and satisfaction. You wondered why such trivial issues really caused you frustration, why you didn't smell the roses or simply laugh and enjoy each day for what it was worth.
     That was my reflection in a small sort of way, I was always a thankful person for the most part but when I was younger I was often discontent and sad. It wasn't the greatest time of my life, in fact I believe it was a dark dark time for me. Here I am post stroke and I am fully aware that I survived a devastating storm and yes it ruined most of my crops and beautiful gardens, my memories, my history in some strange sort of way but I am a new person now; I am a survivor and even more so a conqueror! I had to till the entire field of my dreams and hopes and for that I have become much stronger and wiser. I personally will probably never say "Thank you" to my stroke for making me this way, only because I'm not giving it the satisfaction. I'm stubborn that way! I am who I am because God gave me the strength to survive with a joyful heart. I didn't know until this very day that I had overcome so much, that I had ran the distance and made my mark! I have a new field of dreams and I will carry on and maybe just maybe another storm will come but I know where my hope lies. I have my plow ready and I am anxiously waiting for what will grow. So be strong and courageous, know that what you have is an opportunity to become something more than just shattered. You have a remarkable chance to find out how deep your strength really is, how precious your courage really is and really so much more! 

When She Cries

     Life as a parent can be for the most part rewarding, I mean really exciting but every now and then it is a storm of crazy moments crunched together with chaotic meltdowns. How can something so beautiful become so messy and ugly so quickly?! I was working in the kitchen making the most amazing meals for the kids when suddenly SCREAMING came from the next room over. I put my spatula down and ran to the other room, my heart was pumping and my thoughts were racing. I thought for a brief second that one of my children had injured themselves but instead it was a sibling rivalry. I must warn you everything from this point onward is heart wrenching, maybe the warning is more for myself than for you as the reader. My son was crying frantically and shouted out loud "Desiree you were choking me on purpose, I am not a toy!" and as soon as that statement left his mouth my daughter came running over to me and responded with "well, I didn't mean to do it, he always freaks out!" then from that point onward it was a crying and yelling match between the both of them. For many parents this is the ideal moment when you wish you were at some beautiful resort in a far off land sipping an amazing drink and just laughing. Well that isn't reality and even if that were possible, to fly away to some exotic dream vacation; well it doesn't change the fact that parenting never ends and loving your children is a bitter sweet reward. Some things you need to face in order to make a difference, whether you like it or not.
     With all that being said I have to tell you something about myself, since my stroke happened I have a brutal time dealing with stress. In fact it is down right nasty! Words suddenly begin to melt away and thoughts fall to pieces quickly. It isn't a simple solution like "hey, think happy thoughts" or something wonderful and fluffy like that. My brain just simply starts to break down almost like all the connections start to crackle and messages get mixed up!
      My son and daughter have seen the fallout of my stroke symptoms all too often and sadly they are affected by the illness all the same. I quickly went into the other room and shut the door as they cried. I sat on the couch and covered my ears and cried. My mind was fighting the stroke, the symptoms, the stress, everything! As I tried to gather all the pieces of my scattered thoughts I could hear my daughter crying these very words "daddy daddy, I am so sorry, it is all my fault, I am just no good". With all the strength that I could muster I stood up and opened the door. I could see the tears streaming down my children's faces. My daughters eyes were clouded and red as I approached her. I knelt on the floor and looked her right in the eyes and said " Sweetheart don't ever say you are no good or that you are a bad girl or useless!" I then went on to say " Daddy has an owie in his brain and it doesn't have anything to do with you, I love you and your brother just the same, its just the stroke has left me broken". As tears began to fall from my cheek I looked at both of them and smiled the best that I could and said " You are both my sweetest gift, don't ever forget that you are precious beyond words, my stroke cannot take that away" I stood up and asked them to politely hug each other and sit with me silently and watch a show together.
     Sometimes storms happen, they just do what they do. I cannot change what has happened to me or wish away all the pain that my family has felt because of my stroke but what I can do is show them how to live with courage, grace under fire! Love is by far one of the most amazing gifts that anyone could ever have, it remains a mystery to hold and definitely a challenge to give away!

" May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Psalm 33:22