A note to a dear friend.

Dear Me:

     Now I know you are lost in fear, I feel it within every step I take. The moments in between laughter and sorrow, tears of hope and whisperings of failure. It seems as though I am climbing a mountain that never ends but who am I and what am I?! I must be more than this. Well I am.....
     In life I know that things change and sometimes people fade away and maybe even memories but I was meant for more than feeling afraid or lost in the dark! I have survived a devastating storm and for this I should be proud, I should be proud that I am crawling out of this dark hole of impossibilities. Soon the light will shine once more and I will feel the warmth upon my face but until that moment passes I will carry on. The garden of my dreams has been ruined but that doesn't mean that things will not grow it only means I have to work harder to make it happen. So it is time for me to pull the weeds of anxiety, dig out the rocks of doubt and plant tiny seeds of change and hope. Embrace the seasons as they turn and dance with the grace of God. I am more than just a day that passes under the morning light, I am the laughter that tears will embrace, I am the joy that sorrow will kiss. I am the victory that God will never miss!

Dedicated to my dear friend tracy and all those who feel lost or overwhelmed....

You are more than this moment!

Say the word

When I first began to attend school it was frightening, utterly scary. I remember the day as though it was yesterday. It was a reasonably beautiful day and my mom drove me to the school. I don't remember if my mother said much but I do remember her face and her smile. My mom was and is the most wonderful comforter in the world, she was a natural at it. As we stepped out of the car I realized that it was time to go away and this was my first time being really away from my mother. Okay I will admit it now, I was crying! I didn't want to be away from the world that I new. A sweet mother and a warm friendly home full of love for which there was endless baked goods! I mean, do you really think a kindergarten class will give me lots of hugs and kisses and baked goods?! I don't think so, well maybe but that is besides the point! As my mother hugged every last breath out of my body I dragged myself to the front door. Suddenly I was attacked by a new arrival to the clan of KINDERGARTEN. This fellow classmate grabbed my face and kissed me nonstop until we walked into the classroom. As I desperately reached for the asylum of 123's and ABC's I noticed the teacher laughing at my circumstance. It was then and only then that I knew this was going to be a long introduction into the world of learning. As I sat in class like a perfect child (completely not paying attention) I memorized every little detail and studied every word that was spoken (I was so admiring the colours of the room) I slowly forgot that I missed my mom and began to love the idea of learning until I got my first ear pulling, hair yanking, hand slapping initiation! During the rest of that year I was repeatedly slapped, ear pulled and sent to the corner. I must have been a very wild and crazy kid to deserve such affection from my teacher!  All kidding aside, that experience left a bitter view of learning and of school as a whole. My teacher was a very unkind and harsh lady. She left a thumb print of hatred that pursued me all through my first 9 years of school.
     It is very common to be affected by our initial experiences, the learning curve. We are forever imprinted with those memories, those thoughts. While most other children in the class had a delightful time I was on the other end of the stick (literally) As the years went by I realized how much I hated school and everything that pertained to education, only because of the bitter root of discipline. The difficulty that I truly remember having was the fact that my parents spoke german at home 24/7 and when I went to school I had tremendous difficulty listening to the english language being spoken. As years passed and my passion for loathing the educational system grew I eventually left school at grade 10. It is a much bigger story than what you see written here but what happened later was amazing. I decided to take a special educational class when I was in my mid 20s and I learned at an exponential rate. The reason was simple, I walked in with a fresh mind and a passion to over come my distaste. The wall had grown so tall that it blocked the sunshine, the view of hope. I  went crazy, I learned everything I could get my hands on! That moment became a monumental journey. I realized that not only am I smart but that I deserve to change my outlook and live a life full of happiness in whatever I do. It is simply never to late for change...

In the hours that change

the minutes that climb

my memories have held

the beauty of gold

and the rocks of lime

for though I sought the value of one

I should have seen

the precious

the lovely hands of God

underneath the sun


                                             by EVK

My experience pushed me further and further into caverns of fear and disdain. I did not see the precious truth even among the rocks of pain. Slowly my heart was opened and God showed me that it is not just the gold that is precious to him but every rock that is discovered. Every rock has a purpose. When I discovered that hope I began to crawl out and see a new beginning! A new world of change!!!

To The Plow

Photography by Ursula Kowcun


Now I know that this blog is solely dedicated to my written works of poetry but sometimes it is good to reach outside the box. I made a comment about plowing and I felt it was worthy of thought. When we go through tragic moments in our lives, we hope that we can survive. We want to rise above our circumstances, become resolute. When weathering through our difficult and sometimes lonely situations we forget the deep seated pain that hides underneath. It is only when be begin to dig and plow through our emotional baggage that we find resolve. Ever since I committed to writing a autobiography book I began to find a new world of buried rocks. Thoughts and feelings left to breathe among the dark walls of pain. If I want my life to be fertile and productive I need to dig deep and carry away the rocks of shame, hurt and abandonment. I want a garden of new beginnings! I want to burst out with a life of faith, hope and love!