A note to a dear friend.

Dear Me:

     Now I know you are lost in fear, I feel it within every step I take. The moments in between laughter and sorrow, tears of hope and whisperings of failure. It seems as though I am climbing a mountain that never ends but who am I and what am I?! I must be more than this. Well I am.....
     In life I know that things change and sometimes people fade away and maybe even memories but I was meant for more than feeling afraid or lost in the dark! I have survived a devastating storm and for this I should be proud, I should be proud that I am crawling out of this dark hole of impossibilities. Soon the light will shine once more and I will feel the warmth upon my face but until that moment passes I will carry on. The garden of my dreams has been ruined but that doesn't mean that things will not grow it only means I have to work harder to make it happen. So it is time for me to pull the weeds of anxiety, dig out the rocks of doubt and plant tiny seeds of change and hope. Embrace the seasons as they turn and dance with the grace of God. I am more than just a day that passes under the morning light, I am the laughter that tears will embrace, I am the joy that sorrow will kiss. I am the victory that God will never miss!

Dedicated to my dear friend tracy and all those who feel lost or overwhelmed....

You are more than this moment!

From storm to storm what shall we be

     How fragile is life? For the past few years I knew that personally and intimately. I didn't mind the struggles because for some reason I just plugged away at it. You know, you just keep swimming because, well you have to! When my wife suddenly became sick, that was a shocker. Her body, her immune system finally broke down all because of my stroke, the stress.

     Here I am looking down at my wife, watching her as she seems so lifeless, so withdrawn, no energy. She was the pillar for the last few years, being the real trooper, the sergeant in the midst of a war. Now things have turned, it may be for a short while but it has turned nonetheless. How do we overcome such obstacles, such walls of hurt? Well let me tell you something beautiful, something sweet. When I saw my wife lying there, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and that this was my moment to shine! It may sound crazy but what I mean is this, I have the chance to show my wife how much I love her and how much she means to me. I sat beside her bed and I rubbed her for some time, the minutes turned into hours and all I wanted to do is let her know that I am by her side! As the tears welled up in me, I just told myself "you can do this for her, be the strong one now!" It is funny how life can teach you how to be brave in so many different ways. You just never know who you really are until you face the storm! Will you hide, cringe and maybe even fall to the way side or will you suddenly stand up and raise your shield, your sword and fight! Become bold and brave....

     We all face adversity, it is those moments that truly define you, the depth of who you are and are not. Most see affliction, suffering, trials and pain as a negative; all too harsh reality for losing ones spirit. I say it is the perfect opportunity for being the person that God has called you to be. Will you answer, will you step out of the boat and live a life of bravery! Are you willing to be different? Well I am going to run all those cities because now I know that this is what i was meant to do. It is time to shine like the stars and after being hard pressed on either side, this makes the journey even sweeter, more precious. Thank you God for being my strength, being my everlasting hope! 

Matthew 14:29

You can rise above or sink into a world of fear but inevitably you must choose!

Until it's Gone

     I don't know really why but as I was washing the dishes this afternoon I became reflective in a small sort of way, you know how it is when you do something mundane and your mind travels to another location or possibly to another memory from days gone by. As you work through a field of memories digging out the rocks and planting new dreams and new hopes you come to this amazing discovery. When life hands you a major storm and all your crops and all your flowers are ruined you realize that you don't know how good things are until they are gone. The field that you once grumbled over and the garden that had its continuous weeds that gave you unending angst are simply a pain of the past. Now you wish for the flowers, the crops that yielded you some joy and satisfaction. You wondered why such trivial issues really caused you frustration, why you didn't smell the roses or simply laugh and enjoy each day for what it was worth.
     That was my reflection in a small sort of way, I was always a thankful person for the most part but when I was younger I was often discontent and sad. It wasn't the greatest time of my life, in fact I believe it was a dark dark time for me. Here I am post stroke and I am fully aware that I survived a devastating storm and yes it ruined most of my crops and beautiful gardens, my memories, my history in some strange sort of way but I am a new person now; I am a survivor and even more so a conqueror! I had to till the entire field of my dreams and hopes and for that I have become much stronger and wiser. I personally will probably never say "Thank you" to my stroke for making me this way, only because I'm not giving it the satisfaction. I'm stubborn that way! I am who I am because God gave me the strength to survive with a joyful heart. I didn't know until this very day that I had overcome so much, that I had ran the distance and made my mark! I have a new field of dreams and I will carry on and maybe just maybe another storm will come but I know where my hope lies. I have my plow ready and I am anxiously waiting for what will grow. So be strong and courageous, know that what you have is an opportunity to become something more than just shattered. You have a remarkable chance to find out how deep your strength really is, how precious your courage really is and really so much more! 

Liar Liar

As I approached the restaurant my mind was filled with excitement and joy! There I was standing in front of two great big doors and I leaned forward and pulled them open. Though my hands were shaking slightly from the stroke I knew that this moment was mine, not the stroke. I was going to show my wife that she was the best woman in town and I had it all planned out, well almost....
    
     The moment was beautiful and her eyes were literally glistening with joy and love. My wife was more than just my roommate, my friend or what have you, she was the other half of my smile; the laughter that I once knew.  She taught me how to survive at sorrows reef, there was no denying that we were meant for each other. You see love is deeper than a few letters and a post card, more than a kiss and a gentle touch. Love is something that burns in the deepest part of you when everything else feels cold. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.. Love is


     Anyways there I was sitting across from my wife completely enamored by her excitement and her smile. I felt this was the right time to give her the "Wham-OH statement" you know the "Home run" comment. I was supposed to say "You have the most beautiful eyes" or "You are the most amazing person" something, anything near those lines would have been just great!!! Instead my brain turned into "Liar Liar - Movie with Jim Carey"  My mouth was open and I was sure that I said something profound but my stroke decided otherwise. I began with "You have the nicest .......pause" Just then a beautiful woman walked by and I said " A$$" From that point my ears suddenly became numb and my lips felt like I had just sucked on a cactus. I griped the table ever so slightly, though I possibly left permanent fingerprints on the finish. Never the less, my stroke came to the rescue by saying something completely stupid and random. I looked at my wife and I am sure my facial expression was similar to a dear in headlights. She gracefully looked down and then made a comment that made me laugh. 
     
     Every once and awhile my brain thinks things and my mouth just says it! When I had my stroke I suddenly have become this character that Jim Carey portrayed in his movie. How is this possible?! What can I do?! Well from that point onward there were many awkward moments and so many of which i wish i could forget but life is just that. Sometimes there are moments that we wish we could take back but they can't be undone. My wife taught me to learn to laugh and just move on, to not let those circumstances bog me down. Lift my head and look at the rainbows, for though the storm has passed there are always moments of wonder that will come. 

Call To Me

     The wind begins to howl and the trees begin to bend, under the sudden travailing force. The pleasant and serene beauty of children playing and people laughing cracks like glass under the force of a unknown hammer. The pieces fall to the ground all too quickly and yet the noise is held in complete silence like a silhouette captured  within a frame. My lips quiver and my eyes dart back and forth trying to grasp what is being done, what has just occurred. Peoples voices become muffled and there faces begin to melt into obscurity as my brain desperately seeks to find solitude. The light slowly dims as I crawl to a corner and breath ever so slowly, wishing to feel the soft touch of peace. As I look up in desperation I see a sudden flood of water pouring all around me. I quickly run towards a boat that I see in the distance, my heart is pounding and my body is drenched in fears and emotional thunderstorms. I hold onto the mast with every ounce of strength within my heart as the water rises with devastating destruction. Suddenly a hand reaches out and the waters calm and the rains fall silent. The sun begins to shine as the most beautiful rainbow pours out in an overwhelming radiance. I laid back in complete exhaustion and wonderment. The light seemed more beautiful when the sparkling blue skies danced with the ominous clouds in retreat. 

     I just survived my first blow out, a mental overload. Since the stroke literally destroyed my ability to cope with stress I am left with this experience on a weekly bases. This is my world but what may surprise you is this, I look forward to my rainbow; the stunning colours of freedom and hope. When my mind begins to recuperate its senses I take a deep breath and say "one day at a time" I look around me and give myself a pep talk and say " Ernie you can do this, you can survive this!" I am alive and I have the freedom to walk again and talk again.

     It is so often the case that when we loose something precious we suddenly become aware, understanding that something valuable is gone; there is a void of some sort or another. What I have to say is simple and hopefully encouraging to you, there is always a way through the storm. No matter how hard or how long it may go, eventually it will fade away. The sun will shine again! Whatever is facing you today may seem like an insurmountable task but know this. There is someone who is greater than you, someone who is more profound and deeper than all your worries. The author of rainbows and sunshines, the God who can still any storm at anytime. If I had not felt the storm I would not embrace the calm.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you, 

and will tell you great 

and hidden things that you have not known.