Saturday, June 25, 2011

When She Cries

     Life as a parent can be for the most part rewarding, I mean really exciting but every now and then it is a storm of crazy moments crunched together with chaotic meltdowns. How can something so beautiful become so messy and ugly so quickly?! I was working in the kitchen making the most amazing meals for the kids when suddenly SCREAMING came from the next room over. I put my spatula down and ran to the other room, my heart was pumping and my thoughts were racing. I thought for a brief second that one of my children had injured themselves but instead it was a sibling rivalry. I must warn you everything from this point onward is heart wrenching, maybe the warning is more for myself than for you as the reader. My son was crying frantically and shouted out loud "Desiree you were choking me on purpose, I am not a toy!" and as soon as that statement left his mouth my daughter came running over to me and responded with "well, I didn't mean to do it, he always freaks out!" then from that point onward it was a crying and yelling match between the both of them. For many parents this is the ideal moment when you wish you were at some beautiful resort in a far off land sipping an amazing drink and just laughing. Well that isn't reality and even if that were possible, to fly away to some exotic dream vacation; well it doesn't change the fact that parenting never ends and loving your children is a bitter sweet reward. Some things you need to face in order to make a difference, whether you like it or not.
     With all that being said I have to tell you something about myself, since my stroke happened I have a brutal time dealing with stress. In fact it is down right nasty! Words suddenly begin to melt away and thoughts fall to pieces quickly. It isn't a simple solution like "hey, think happy thoughts" or something wonderful and fluffy like that. My brain just simply starts to break down almost like all the connections start to crackle and messages get mixed up!
      My son and daughter have seen the fallout of my stroke symptoms all too often and sadly they are affected by the illness all the same. I quickly went into the other room and shut the door as they cried. I sat on the couch and covered my ears and cried. My mind was fighting the stroke, the symptoms, the stress, everything! As I tried to gather all the pieces of my scattered thoughts I could hear my daughter crying these very words "daddy daddy, I am so sorry, it is all my fault, I am just no good". With all the strength that I could muster I stood up and opened the door. I could see the tears streaming down my children's faces. My daughters eyes were clouded and red as I approached her. I knelt on the floor and looked her right in the eyes and said " Sweetheart don't ever say you are no good or that you are a bad girl or useless!" I then went on to say " Daddy has an owie in his brain and it doesn't have anything to do with you, I love you and your brother just the same, its just the stroke has left me broken". As tears began to fall from my cheek I looked at both of them and smiled the best that I could and said " You are both my sweetest gift, don't ever forget that you are precious beyond words, my stroke cannot take that away" I stood up and asked them to politely hug each other and sit with me silently and watch a show together.
     Sometimes storms happen, they just do what they do. I cannot change what has happened to me or wish away all the pain that my family has felt because of my stroke but what I can do is show them how to live with courage, grace under fire! Love is by far one of the most amazing gifts that anyone could ever have, it remains a mystery to hold and definitely a challenge to give away!

" May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."
Psalm 33:22

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