For oh but one

     Well here I am sitting in my room thinking of all the tasks that seem to be overwhelming me. The frustration with talking, the embarrassing moments of stumbling and looking like I am drunk but really it is my stroke. I know that if I think for but a few moments I could really revel in my weaknesses, even cringe at the thought of what others might think but really is that what life is about or should be about?! Worrying about what others think is a full time job and I didn't apply for it so I am going to put it to the way side and pick up my dreams, my hopes and aspirations and look ahead. I want my life to be a shining star, a bright moment of hope! We can accomplish so much in the days that we live but what matters most is the dignity and honour that we carry in our struggles, the grace in our stride is profound if we choose it.
     I remember as a child sitting in a field of beautiful colours and the grass was swaying to and fro, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the butterflies passing me by as the gentle breeze kissed my face gently. The sunlight embraced me with warmth and wonder and I felt the hand of Gods amazing beauty, all of creation dancing in a silhouette of laughter. I wasn't worried, fearful or concerned, I just embraced the moment with praise. As a child I looked at what was and not so much at what was not, I was just immersed in learning, loving, laughing and being alive. This is where I am now, making the conscious decision to simply just love and be something more then a worry or a frown. Life is short and I am even shorter ;)

     When I look back I remember the painful moments in life but more so the beauty and grace that touches my heart and that is worth fighting for.

A note to a dear friend.

Dear Me:

     Now I know you are lost in fear, I feel it within every step I take. The moments in between laughter and sorrow, tears of hope and whisperings of failure. It seems as though I am climbing a mountain that never ends but who am I and what am I?! I must be more than this. Well I am.....
     In life I know that things change and sometimes people fade away and maybe even memories but I was meant for more than feeling afraid or lost in the dark! I have survived a devastating storm and for this I should be proud, I should be proud that I am crawling out of this dark hole of impossibilities. Soon the light will shine once more and I will feel the warmth upon my face but until that moment passes I will carry on. The garden of my dreams has been ruined but that doesn't mean that things will not grow it only means I have to work harder to make it happen. So it is time for me to pull the weeds of anxiety, dig out the rocks of doubt and plant tiny seeds of change and hope. Embrace the seasons as they turn and dance with the grace of God. I am more than just a day that passes under the morning light, I am the laughter that tears will embrace, I am the joy that sorrow will kiss. I am the victory that God will never miss!

Dedicated to my dear friend tracy and all those who feel lost or overwhelmed....

You are more than this moment!

Learning To Ride..

     Have you ever hummed words to a song, something that just tingles your mind and brings about some sweet memory from days gone by? I love that part of my life in fact I must have loved it so much that during my initial recovery I would just blurt out the craziest stuff. You see my brain had the wackiest idea that if you think it, then just say it! I mean I would be at the store picking up whatever foods and suddenly a song would enter my brain and then BAM I was doing it karaoke style. I would sometimes shout "Take a chance on me" by abba or " We are the champions" by Queen. Well that wasn't the least of my problems, when a beautiful woman would walk by I would say "wow, she is beautiful" I mean I felt so embarrassed. In fact this often would happen in front of my wife. The tears, the humiliation and so much more, I couldn't believe my mind! If it entered my head I would go and do it! So what could I do with such a dilemma?! How would I handle such a situation? On almost any given day I wanted to cringe and hide in a dark corner. I really thought that I was reliving my teen years all over again. By the way they were NOT pleasant to say the least, I was uber nerdy, awkward and well anything that could have gone wrong...just did!

     Of course I am telling you this story from the other side of a frown! I am smiling as I am typing this message because my wife taught me to just laugh with it. At first my wife and I both felt awkward and I felt humiliated but then it just came down to learning to be happy no matter what. I had to learn how to hum again, learn how to sing a song in my head and try to hold back thoughts and actions that were just not appropriate. I remember when my daughter was learning how to ride a bike, she needed help with removing the training wheels and then having me run behind her. She would often fall and scream in frustration or cry with pain. I told her that she just needs to shake it off and keep trying until she beat this challenge. You know what, she did and not only that she could ride her bike with no hands (for a brief moment) So the outcome is worth the pain sometimes. Here I am learning to ride a bike again, learning how to do all the simple things in life but why should that get me down?! Why should I let it break me?! This is my time to learn how to shake things off and become stronger, become wiser and full of joy and laughter when I have conquered this moment! Someday soon I am going to lift my hands and ride with a complete sense of freedom. Oh what a day that will be but until then I am going to keep on  keeping on! 

The Bird Who Knew Too Little

     Early in the afternoon the sunshine peeked out through the beautiful clouds, whispering of warmth and dancing across my face with such delight. It almost felt as though the sun had been waiting in utter excitement, wanting to greet me with a kiss! As I spoke with friends at a school playground my son was ever so precious, he admired every little thing; touching and exploring all that the world had gently laid between the rocks and pebbles. The ants that crawled mysteriously between pieces of wood and worms that embraced the wet leaves from the morning dew. If there was something hidden my son was there to discover! The fresh mind of a child is always prodding the unknown, questioning the things left to the heart of imagination. With an innocent smile he looks at me and tilts his head ever so slightly and then turns around and runs with a burst of laughter.

     I enjoy every moment, well almost every moment of his curiosity. As I turned away to look at something else other than my child's endless energy I hear a call for help. Now it wasn't an urgent cry it was just a teacher asking for some assistance. My friends and I stood up and quickly arrived at the classroom door. The teacher quickly said "We have a problem, there is a bird flying around and smashing into the windows!" I quickly grabbed a towel and covered the bird. It was only after its last attempted at freedom that I was able to capture the poor thing. As I gently felt the towel I knew exactly where the bird was, it seemed almost too tired to give any sort of struggle. With a huge smile on my face I felt like the greatest dad in the whole wide world! The kids were beaming from ear to ear and as I walked outside I opened the towel. What a weird feeling, watching the bird suddenly gain composer and then just jump up and fly away. The kids were making noises of astonishment as they saw the bird begin to soar!

     The birds desperate attempts at finding freedom caused more harm than good. Sometimes we think we know what is the best solution for our problems and maybe we fly aimlessly into things that are beyond our understanding. We harm ourselves and cause grief for those who watch us from a distance, maybe it is time to let someone who knows how to save your life make a difference. Maybe it is time to let God bring you to freedoms door... You are precious and dearly loved, an amazing gift for the world to see, you were meant to fly!!

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,

 that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life. 

Coast is clear

     I want to tell a personal story, one that has a lot of pain which I am sure you all have experienced in some degree. I know that life has its twists and turns, sometimes friendships go from sweet to sour and the roads that we travel can go from smooth and level to rocky and painful. The cold feeling of possible loneliness can challenge the best of hearts, leaving us with the all to often question of "Why?"

     That question can sometimes plague the strongest of hearts, even suck the very joy out of life. We feel that for some reason that everything must be perfect at all times or at the very least the suffering that we endure must be for someone else not for us. When I was growing up my mother taught me a profound lesson, one that I wish to share with you. I had the most jovial uncle around, he loved to laugh and play. Every time he came to my house he would catch me as I leaped off of the stairs. With open arms he would snatch me up and chuckle, then with the most loving kindness he would hug me and tell me that I was special to Him. One day he showed up at my house weeks later and I ran half way down the stairs, the excitement was amazing. I leaped into the air and he barely could hold me, with tears in his face he kissed my cheek and gently let me down. I looked deep into his eyes and I could see that his heart was breaking. My mother leaned over and whispered in my ear and said "Your uncle is sick and he can no longer catch you" that was the very moment as a child that I discovered suffering. Within two years my uncle deteriorated to almost nothing, the Parkinson's disease took away his strength and inevitably took away his life.
 
     Now you are probably wondering what good could possibly come out of that, well I will tell you. After I realized he couldn't catch me my mother said "you can love him, just love him differently". Such simple words but they had so many tears attached to it. The wisdom that my mother gave me was filled with peace and with kindness, she wanted my uncle to feel my love and most undoubtedly know unconditional kindness. I made sure that every time he arrived that I was waiting, gently anticipating a smile from him. I would walk over to his side and hug his leg and tell him that everything was going to be alright. I helped him up the stairs and sat beside him. As the night progressed I would hear him laugh occasionally. I was amazed at the heart behind the subtle laughter, the tears streamed from his face as he continued to make jokes off and on through the night. He was a real hero, he was my hero! Though he passed away quickly, he left an indelible mark of poise and joy. God was the centre of his pain, his frustrations and undoubtedly his faith. There simply was no perfect answer to why he suffered but there was a perfect lesson to be learned. Never ever give up!!

     I am going to keep running  until I make a difference, because I believe in never ever giving up. I believe in being the hope and living the change. Do you?!

Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.