Saturday, December 18, 2010

Anger and Peace

Last night was tremendously difficult but before I get into this story I just want to say ahead of time that there was beauty within the pain. I don't welcome trials or tribulations readily but when they begin I understand that I need to fight, to survive. Late one evening I was upstairs washing the dishes and my wife was frustrated and she needed someone to talk to. She felt angry about feeling alone, finances and a whole list of other things that are not worth mentioning. As she listed off all the things she was struggling with I began to feel helpless! I knew that most of the feelings she felt were because of my stroke and I began to crawl into my cocoon,  my thoughts became lonely and isolated. I remember as a child falling asleep in my warm cozy bed and as my mind drifted off into another world I suddenly was taken to a dark wooden shack. The light ever so slightly pierced through the cracks and I could feel a sudden breeze. I walked over to the corner of the room and noticed a broken window with shutters swaying back and forth. I looked outside and then to my surprise the light quickly hid beneath the dark clouds. The winds began to grow stronger and I became fearful. I was worried that the wooden shack would not survive the onslaught of vicious winds and rainfall. I quickly tried to close the shutters and hide within the dark foreboding shadows. The winds came like a rushing tide, piercing every crack with a whistling sound of fear. I clenched my knees and cried in silence, though I am sure that my fears could be heard if the winds whispered.
     After a brief time of wind torn anxiety and self doubt I mustered the courage to wait out the storm and not be afraid. I began to relax my grip both on my mental fear and on the storm that had passed me by. Now I know that this was just a dream but now as an adult I feel that dream left an imprint, a mark. My fears as a child were hidden within that old wooden shack and the winds of uncertainty. Well here I am once again facing that storm, hiding in a shack that once was a beautiful building with beautiful warm tender memories. The stroke took a lot of those memories away but I will no longer cringe under the shadows of fear and doubt!
     As I slowly regained my senses I broke free from the cocoon and I simply stretched out and let my wings begin to fly. I was indeed free, not as what many would perceive freedom as but what I knew it was. I was and am no longer cringing under the winds of fear, instead I have learned to bend with the seasons of change and my wings have become stronger. I am a survivor and now it is time to fly, to be the hope and live the change. I cannot go back to the way I was and it would be silly to expect otherwise. A butterfly doesn't wish to be a caterpillar, he just learns to fly and not look back. So wherever my dreams will soar I will go even farther!

1 comment:

  1. Yes, it is difficult for the spouse or caregiver, and especially when it is such a financial and mental challenge for either or both of you. you are correct, it will not be the way it was but it is the way it is, and you will learn to fly in a new direction. I believe that you have already experienced that. It will take time for your wife to catch up with you, she held back for a long time so you could soar. I know, because that is what we do for those we love. We put ourselves on the back burner until we know they are on their way, then we have to start. She will be fine, in time and with love... which you have a lot of both. Merry Christmas to you and your family.