Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It's a wonderful life

I recently attended a special feature with my entire family. The theater was showing "It's a wonderful life" and I was so excited to see it on the big screen. The thought of seeing my all time favourite christmas movie just thrilled me to no end! As we opened the doors into the theatre we walked slowly into the dark vast sea of unknown people. The place was packed with fans and I was completely taken back by the crowd. I turned to my wife in complete excitement, wanting to say something but my lips said nothing. We quickly found four seats as the movie began to play. Since my stroke affected my memory somewhat, I couldn't remember all the details of the movie but something profound happened. As we watched the entire movie I felt dumbstruck by the uncanny similarities. The emotions that George Bailey felt seemed almost surreal to me.I couldn't process all of what I saw at first, I just slumped my head forward and cried silently. In particular there was a scene where George discovered that his uncle lost a seizable amount of money and so he went home absolutely devastated. As he entered his home he started to complain and bark at everyone. He looked completely torn apart and removed from himself; shocked by everything that had transpired he vented on his family and left in shame. My little daughter told my wife that, that was what daddy is like because of the stroke. I overheard the statement and knew fully well that the movie reminded me of the same thing. I felt like I was watching myself on the big screen. I felt naked and stunned. This movie had previously been a warm inspiring movie, now all of a sudden it felt like it was about me.
     My life had changed so much in four years that even a movie looked different to me. Now all of a sudden I related to a man who was lost and confused and completely crushed by his self worthlessness. I had become another George Bailey in a strange sort of way. Though I did not see an angel I did see a world without my family. The four years of confusion  and distance left me almost invisible, I watched as everyone disappeared and  I became unknown to the life I once knew. Desperately I wanted to be alive, apart of a world that I no longer could reach. It was very painful to watch! The amazing thing is that I am back and apart of a world that once was lost. I have been granted the opportunity of thankfulness, and though there isn't a pile of money by the Christmas tree there is hope wrapped up in two wonderful children and a beautiful wife. I will never be the same man that I once was but that is something that I will deal with one day at a time, for now I am going to kiss my family like crazy and travel this life with a family who loves me.

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