Monday, November 1, 2010

The Beauty And The Beast

The Beauty And The Beast

Sudden pulsing and twitching throbbed through my entire body, everything was in complete hysteria. It was as though someone had entered my body and began playing with my mind, there was no control only sudden fear. I watched myself begin to shake as everything became blurry, my head was shaking so hard that the world abruptly changed from sharp crisp images into a haze of uncertainty. I had just experienced my first seizure, my legs were throbbing from the pain and my arms were bruised from the piercing jolts of sudden movements. I slowly rolled over onto my stomach only to feel nauseous from the intense battle for normality, for peace. As I stood up I felt as though I had just been in a fight with someone I could not see or feel. I felt helpless and afraid but I knew right there and then that this was the stroke. The damage to my brain was beginning to surface in ways that I did not imagine. I was starting a whole new journey, a journey with another barrier begging me for defeat. I got on my knees and just asked God one thing " Can you hold me?" Hold my body in the midst of a trembling soul. I needed to just hear the heartbeat of Gods love and grace, His dedicated love. I know that when things become suddenly cloudy we often panic, we fear the unknown. It is in our very nature to want clarity! I just rested in silence wanting to hear my heart calm down, to hear my breath speak softly. As I contemplated my future I remembered my past and all the wonderful memories I had of my healthy body. I could run where ever I choose, there was no worries just freedom. I felt there was a beast that laid within, a monster who wanted to break out of this fragile body but to no avail. Surprisingly as I walked through my hallway I noticed a picture that was worth more than a thousand words, more than tears mixed with pain. It was a picture of the movie "Beauty And The Beast", we had purchased the photo in remembrance of our love for one another. Little did I know that it would literally describe our circumstances, our world of suffering. I was the beast and my wife was belle the beautiful maiden of uncompromisable faith and love. She could see into my heart, beyond the monster that stood before her. The photo was a remarkable epiphany! I came to a conclusion that would leave such a profound mark, a thought that gave me comfort and discourse all rolled into one picture. That moment gave me understanding that Gods love is much deeper than our limitations, our lives. I needed to understand that my wifes love was good enough for me and who I was and who I wasn't. I am loved just as I am, are you?! Do you feel that what you are and what you are not is sufficient for devotion? That you are loved no matter what you wish you could be or what you wish was not there. It is hard to imagine but love crosses boundaries way past the beast within. Remember you are precious and beyond your comprehension there is love, there is devotion

1 comment:

  1. you are remarkable... such feeling of yourself, beyond the normal abilities of the human.. I am always amazed at your writings and i always feel many different things after reading them. Thank you for sharing yourself and your journey.